The Problem With Print Scanners
by Raphaella
Summary: Mayhem with the handprint scanner befalls Xavier's when each new mutant joins the Institute. Starting with Kurt, ending with Rogue.
1. Kurt starts it

**The Problem With Print Scanners**

* * *

**A.N:** Remember in Mind Bender when Jean uses a fingerprint scanner to access Xavier's grounds? Yes? Well the mutants at Xavier's find out how difficult the damn thing was to log into when they first arrived, starting with Kurt. Mayhem ensues. 

Characters aren't mine, as you know.

* * *

"Okay, now that you've seen everything and you're settled in," Jean began to the shorter figure beside her, "we'll get you logged into this." She motioned to the square object attached to the outside wall of the Institute gates. 

Kurt, new from Germany of a few days, raised an eyebrow. Or most accurately, raised the eyebrow of the holowatch.

"Vhat is zhat?"

"This registers our handprints," Jean explained. "It deactivates the security systems and opens the gates. So we don't get blown up as we're walking to the door."

Kurt gulped.

"Now let's get your prints registered with this thing," Jean said, bending towards the scanner with a hand on her chin. She pressed a button, and it gave a BEEP. She then pressed a second one.

"Please place your hand on the scanning pad," a monotonous feminine voice spoke from the speaker.

Jean motioned for Kurt to do so, and he stepped forward and planted his hand where indicated. A second passed.

"Please place you hand on the scanning pad."

Kurt again raised his eyebrows at Jean. She leaned forward again and pressed something.

"Please ensure all fingers are on the pad."

"Rub it in my face vhy don't you!" Kurt grunted, taking his hand away.

"Er, try again," Jean said, pressing yet more buttons. Kurt lifted his hand to the pad again.

"Please remove garments from hand and try again."

Both mutants stood awkwardly silent.

"Cannot read prints – try again." The machine continued. It BEEPed, and Kurt's holowatch sparkled and failed.

"Ow!" Kurt jumped.

"Please make sure skin is uncovered and try again."

"My hand isn't even _on_ zuh pad!" Kurt yelled at it.

"Please place your hand on the pad."

"Shut up!"

Jean hastily pushed a green button, and silence followed. They stared at it.

"Access denied, security activated."

As it happened, Scott was walking merrily across the grounds towards them, oblivious of their problems.

"Hey guys!" He called to them. "How's it going with the – ARGH!"

He leapt out the way as something cannoned at him from the bushes.

"Er, Jean," Kurt started, watching the chaos unfold on the grounds. "you might vanna deactivate it right about now."

Jean was frantically pushing buttons as loud explosions filled the air from behind the gates. Small smoke clouds rose here and there.

"Try zhis!" Kurt banged on the device. "Take zhat – hahah!"

Jean grabbed his hand. "You can't do that, you'll break it!"

"It sounds like it's already broken," Kurt argued.

"Well if you break it we won't be able to turn it off."

"But if it's broken von't it not be vorking anyway?"

"I – uh . . . it was very expensive!"

"Zuh Professor can but a new von – von zhat _vorks_!"

Scott screamed in the background.

"This one _did_ work," Jean told him. "_Does_ work!"

"Pft, but not like you vant it to."

"Of course it does – it activates the security, doesn't it?"

"Vell yeah – all over Scott."

They both looked at each other as Scott yelled again.

"TURN IT OFF!" Scott could be heard over a RATATATATA of shots. "_TURN IT OFF_!"

"Damn!" Jean said, turning back to the device.

"Ooh," Kurt grimaced, watching the battlefield. "Ow! Zhat's gotta hurt!"

"Got it!" Jean exclaimed proudly, slamming her finger on a final button and pressing her own thumb against the pad.

"Systems deactivated. Welcome home, Jean Grey." The device announced.

"Phew," Jean breathed, slouching where she stood. The gates opened next to them and Scott fell out, smoking.

"Don't _ever_ mess with that thing when I'm walking through the grounds!" Scott gasped. His hair was singed, his skin was almost black and he had only one sleeve of his shirt left. His pants were tattered, as well.

Jean turned to Kurt. "You can just, y' know, teleport into the mansion instead of logging in."

He nodded in agreement.


	2. Kitty arrives

**The Problem With Print Scanners**

* * *

Kitty arrives.

"Hello? Anybody there?" A short, slim brunette stood impatiently at the gates next to the device on the wall. "I can't get _iii_iiiiin" She sang into the speaker.

The machined uttered a click and then a voice spoke out.

"Is that half-pint?" Demanded the gruff voice of Logan.

Kitty blanked. "Uh, Mr. Logan! Hi! Yeah, er, like, the machine won't let me in."

Logan's voice sighed. "Just keep trying the hand panel. The Professor's determined to get the damn thing to work."

Kitty eyed the green print panel. "Couldn't you just let me in from that side?"

"No."

"Er, why not?"

"The damn thing doesn't work."

"Oh, okay," Kitty responded, adopting a puppy-dog face even though there was no one to use it on.

"Hang on, I'll get Jean to speak to you."

The machine clicked as Logan left it to find Jean, and Kitty looked about for lack of anything to do.

A couple of second later Jean was announced by another click. "Kitty? Logan says you can't get in."

"Yeah, it, like, won't register my hand print," Kitty explained, throwing up her hand to emphasis her point.

"Okay, press the lower grey button and try again," Jean instructed.

Kitty did as she was told and pressed her hand against the pad.

"Cannot read print, please try again," it said in a slightly distorted low-pitched voice.

"It's not working," Kitty whined.

"Hey, Keety! How's it going?"

"Kurt?" Kitty said, making a face and edging away from the speaker.

"Kurt would you get off the speaker," Jean's voice told him.

"Vhat's zuh mall like, Keety?" Kurt asked enthusiastically, ignoring Jean. "I haven't been zhere yet – my inducer's shtill frizzled."

"Kurt, I'm trying to help Kitty get through the gates," Jean explained.

"Hey, why're you guys hanging around the speaker?" Scott's voice joined in.

"Keety's stuck in zuh gate."

"No I'm not, I'm stuck out_side_ the gate!" Kitty said.

"Oh, that machine's playing up again, huh?" Scott guessed. "Well, if you sort it out let me know. Meanwhile I'll be in the safety of the Danger Room . . ."

"What's he mean?" Kitty frowned.

"Nothing," Jean said at once.

"Hey, Keety, vant me to come and get you?" Kurt asked.

"No!" Kitty yelled immediately. "Uh, I mean, no thanks. Jean, help me!"

"Okay," Jean said, taking over again. "I'm gonna try and deactivate the security systems from here, be right back. You can have Kurt to talk to while I'm gone."

"No, Jean – wait – Jean?"

"Hi, Keety!"

"Uh, hi, Kurt," she said carefully, shuddering.

"You should have been here vhen _ve_ had trouble viz zuh security. Man did zuh grounds look a mess aftervards. Scott didn't look too good eizher."

"Really . . ." Kitty said slowly, hoping Jean would hurry up.

After a few more minutes of Kurt's heavily accented and barely understandable gabber, Jean's voice returned once more.

"Okay, Kitty? I can't shut down the systems – we're gonna have to wait until the Professor can do it."

"Okay then, where's the Professor?" Kitty asked.

"He's in his room, but his wheelchair doesn't work. The damn thing's broken."

"Wow, a lot of things are broken around here," Kitty rolled her eyes wondering what she was moving into. "I miss my parents!" She moaned to herself.

"Jean!" came a distant bellow from the speaker. "_Defcon four's_ been activated!"

"Shit!" Jean shouted, and the sound of her dashing away made it through the speaker.

"Vhat's zhat mean?" Kurt asked, repeating Jean's word in his head.

"I don't know," Kitty said truthfully, thinking of what Defcon Four was.

A strange sound met her ears from the Institute grounds, and she leaned sideways to see past the wall. What she saw was the large stone fountain rising from the ground to reveal something not so beautiful.

"Um, I think I have a good idea what Defcon Four is," she said as she watched more metallic objects appear.

"Vhat is zhat?"

"It's bad, that's what it is!" Kitty watched as the defense weapons rotated slowly, looking for targets. "EEK!" She screeched as one of them detected her head peeping around the wall.

It spat out a glowing bullet and melted part of the gate.

"Argh!" She hurled herself against the wall and knocked the device off.

"Damage to Xavier Property," it droned on the floor. "Defend outer territory. Permission Granted."

"Keety, vhat's happening?" Kurt's voice crackled. "Are you screaming at zuh trees again? – Because, you know, zhey can't hurt you –"

The scanning device hummed and little compartments flew open and started firing on everything.

"Aaaaiiiiiii!" Kitty dove out the line of fire.

" – it's just zuh leaves can look scary in zuh dark –" Kurt continued.

Kitty rolled away as the mini bullets moved her way – straight into a dollop of fox shit.

"Uh?" Kitty looked at her sweater arm. "EW!" She shot up and ripped her pink sweater off. "Ew, ew, ew, ew –!"

"Keety, vhat's zhat noise?"

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!" She roared into the speaker, careful of the still raining bullets.

"Meep!" Came a reply. "Zhey're just trees, Keety! Remember, zhey can't –"

"SHUT UP!" Sniff. "I STILL SMELL, DAMNIT!"

One the other end, Kurt recoiled from the speaker with an odd expression.

Outside the half intact gates, Kitty grabbed her sweater and flung it over into the Xavier grounds. Before it touched the ground it was vaporized. She then proceeded to strip her white top which sported a brown stain where the fox shit had seeped through. She lobbed that, too.

Suddenly the wild shooting from the grounds and the device ceased, and the ones behind the gate retreated to where they came from.

"Uh, God, let's hope that's sorted," Kitty muttered to herself in her bra as she slouched against the wall.

"Kitty?" Jean's voice was back on the speaker. "Yeah, uh, we can't fix the handprint recognition pad, and the security is still active, so you're just gonna have to phrase through the gates and run for it."

Kitty blanked.


	3. Evan logs in

**The Problem With Print Scanners**

* * *

"So you put your hand here, like so and – "

"Systems deactivated. Welcome home, Scott Summers."

" – easy as that. Security deactivated, gates open, and you're okay to walk to the mansion."

"Okay," Evan, the newest member at the institute, acknowledged.

"Ugh," uttered a passing Kitty, "don't you believe it."

"What does she mean?" Evan asked Scott as Kitty disappeared inside the grounds (taking advantage of Scott's authorized entry).

"Nothing," Scott waved his hand dismissively. "Kitty doesn't get on with this device."

"I don't think any of us get on with that machine," Logan grunted as he appeared wheeling a dismantled motorcycle towards the mansion.

Evan stared.

"Oh, you'll get used to that," Scott told him, watching Logan walk past the gates, leaving a trail of metallic parts from the motorcycle. The gates closed a second later, followed by a rather loud "Shit!" from Logan.

Scott turned back to Evan as the sounds of electrical humming surfaced from the grounds. "Yeah, er, there's a certain time frame before the gates close and the system reactivates itself." BOOM. RATATATATATA. "We're working on that to make it longer than one and a half minutes."

In the background, a deep voice cried, "Arrrgh! Fucking hell!"

Evan began to shake. "Scott – that guy's being shot!"

Scott waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, he'll live. Now, let's register your handprint with this thing. Place you hand there." Pause. "Evaaan? Stop watching the bloodshed and put your hand here."

"I've never seen so much blood," Evan breathed in awe and terror, eyes wide as he watched the Institute grounds become a pot-holed wasteland.

"Well if you stay here you'll make up for what you missed in your life, now put your hand on the panel."

Evan did so quickly, in the hopes he could deactivate the bloodthirsty weapons and perhaps save part of the remaining Logan.

"AGH yer bastards! Take that!" SNIKT.

"Prints saved, please enter name." The machine spoke in that feminine voice.

Evan took his hand away as a pleased Scott typed in Evan's name. The machine beeped.

"Please place hand on panel," she droned.

Scott motioned for Evan to do so as a shower of earth exploded and rained over the wall. Scott dusted himself off.

BAMF

"Hey, Scott, guess vhat – " Kurt appeared in a cloud of smoke, decked in holowatch form.

"Argh!" Evan started.

"AGH!" Kurt jumped back.

"ARGH, shit!" Logan bellowed in the background.

"You just appeared outta thin air!" Evan exclaimed.

"You just scared me," Kurt muttered, holding his chest.

"Yeah, the Professor told you about everyone's power didn't he?" Scott asked. Before Evan could answer he added, "If you put your hand on –"

"You're German!" Evan observed.

"You're bright," Kurt rolled his eyes. "Vhat's going on in zhere?" He heard the turmoil on the other side of the wall.

"Dude, you can rescue that guy!" Evan pointed to the wall.

Kurt leaned over and took a look at the grounds. "Are you crazy! I'm not going in zhere!"

"Gaaahhh!" Logan yelped.

"Evan, if you'd just –" Scott began.

"Aren't any of you people worried about him!" Evan stared at them.

Scott and Kurt stared. Scott sighed. "Look, just put your hand there," he told the youngest, jerking his head at the wall device.

Evan slammed his hand onto the panel, and the machine uttered its usual message.

"Systems deactivated, welcome home, Evan Denorls."

Spyke raised an eyebrow. Scott looked innocent, and Kurt watched the other side of the gates.

"I hope you'll –" Evan started.

"I'll change it," Scott finished, nodding. "Another time." They started walking past the gates and into the grounds. "What is it you wanted to tell me, Kurt?" Scott asked, avoiding a crater in the floor.

Kurt opened his mouth but Xavier rolled up to them from the mansion, looking cross.

"Scott, I've only just filled in the garden," he scolded, "look at the mess."

They did so. Smoking trees, burnt bushes, holes and bunkers in the grass was what remained.

"If wasn't my fault, blame Logan," Scott huffed. "_He_ set off the alarms."

"Yes, well," Professor X continued, "be that as it may, you took too long deactivating them. You could have saved at least half the Institute grounds." He paused and looked at Evan. "We usually have a very pretty garden, you aunt takes care of it. Did you get your hand print registered with the scanner?"

Evan, looking wide-eyed at the mayhem around them, nodded slowly.

"Good, now let us return inside before the security resets."

A mere blur replaced Evan as he shot inside at speeds Pietro would be impressed by.

"So what did you wanna say?" Scott asked his blue friend again as they started walking again, passing the smoldering body of Logan.

"I found out vhat zhat vord means, zhat every von keeps saying," Kurt announced proudly.

"What word is that, Kurt?" Professor X asked with a smile, pleased his foreign student was learning.

"Anozher meaning for Damn: Shit!" Kurt recited with a grin, oblivious to its offensive manner.

Professor X choked.

"I've heard it so many times recently, but I've never heard it before."

Scott's face twisted like the expression of one who knows he was in deep shit.

"I wonder where he learnt _that_," Xavier turned deliberately to glare at Scott, who had his fist in his mouth and was staring at the sky.

"I vonder how many more new vords I vill learn," Kurt thought aloud.

"_Not_ _very_ _many_, I foresee," Professor X said meaningfully.

"Shit, zhis ground is dangerous," the elf said.

"Kurt!" Xavier turned to glare. "I forbid you to say that word aga – aaargh!" His chair toppled over into a crater-sized hole.

Scott took the opportunity to leg it safely away.


	4. Rogue ends it

**The Problem With Scanners**

* * *

"Professor," Rogue jogged towards her new teacher and guardian. She caught up with him in the corridor to the kitchen. "Whah is everyone afraid ta go outside?"

Professor smiled, "Oh nonsense," he said airily. "What makes you think that?"

They entered the kitchen where Evan was cowering under the table, wearing a crazed expression and chanting, "don't go outside. Stay away from the windows."

Rogue stared, and raised an eyebrow at the Professor.

Xavier considered Evan, then shook his head and continued to make a coffee. "Evan's always been a little . . . strange."

Rogue turned away. "Yeah, ever since he moved here." She muttered under her breath.

"Here, Evan, eat something today, huh?" Professor suggested rather sardonically, casually throwing a packet of potato chips under the table for the boy.

"Agh!" Evan cried, recoiling from the blue foil packaging. "They found me!" He dove out from under the table and ran screaming from the room with his hands in the air. Rogue stood with her mouth hanging open.

At that second, Kitty chose to phrase through the ceiling and landed lightly on her feet.

"Professor, where's Kurt? I need to go out," she said to Xavier.

Professor X raised a hand to his temple to locate the furry one.

Rogue frowned. "Whah do you need Kurt ta go out?"

Kitty stared. "Like, duh, I'm not going in that garden again! My favorite top and t-shirt are disintegrated thanks to those systems – I have to wear this hideous sweater!" She motioned to the green jumper she was wearing, which was much too baggy for her. "Jean didn't have anything my size or anything tasteful, so I took the only close-to-good piece of clothing Evan has!"

Rogue shifted her hand so it hid the smile on her face, pretending to be holding her chin thoughtfully.

"Evan's clothes! I'm wearing Evan's clothes!" Kitty continued, oblivious to Rogue. "I have to go to the mall and, like, buy something in the casual wear department, because Kurt chose to use my other pink top to check if the security systems were still working: They were!" She threw up her hands.

Rogue put it together. "So," she said slowly. "The reason everyone is so frit-so around here is because th' security systems … have been goin' wild?"

Kitty nodded furiously. "I wouldn't go outside if I were you."

"When you're quite done scaring our newest member," Professor X spoke up. "Kurt's on his –"

BAMF

" – way."

"Look, I'm sorry for using your shirt as a target tester," a holographic looking Kurt said at once, facing Kitty, "but I zhought you had lots of zhem anyvay."

Fists clenched, teeth gritted, Kitty looked ready to explode. Then she said, "aw, it's okay, you fuzzy elf." She smiled and attached herself to his arm.

"Professor, I'm scared," Kurt whimpered.

"I'll solve it," Rogue said simply, removing a glove.

"Uh, no thank you, Rogue," Professor X shook his head. "I don't want two Kitties."

Logan suddenly entered the room, looking surly as usual. "Am I disturbing something?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at the Kitty/Kurt attachment.

"Ah, Logan," Xavier smiled (the smile you don't want to see), "I was about to look for you. Would you take Rogue to the gates and program her hand print in the scanner?"

"Fuck no!" Logan said bluntly.

"Oh, I'm going to look up zhat vord too!" Kurt grinned innocently.

The professor's eyes narrowed to glare at Logan. Rogue cocked an eyebrow at Kurt.

Logan looked away. "Uh, yeah, sure I'll take the, uh…" he looked at Rogue. "I'll take _her_ to the gates." He looked at Kurt. "But we'll need a way there."

"But I'm already taking Keety!" Kurt protested.

SNIKT

"I guess I could come back for you two," Kurt suggested hastily.

"That's what I thought," Logan grunted, sheathing his claws.

Kurt sighed, and with another BAMF, disappeared with the attached Kitty. It was some long seconds before he returned.

"Sorry, I could not get her to let go," he rubbed his arm.

"Whatever," Logan dismissed his excuse. "Just get me outta here." He turned his back on the still glaring Professor. The trio disappeared in a third cloud of smoke. The kitchen stunk, and Professor X moved on to another room.

At the gate, Logan and Rogue stood by the device, while Kurt lay twitching on the floor for teleporting too much weight.

"Now, it's alrigh' ter use this to get _in _ter the grounds," Logan began explaining to Rogue. "But, uh… don't use the one on the other side ter get OUT. Ever."

Rogue eyed the device nervously.

Logan pressed a few buttons in no apparent order or pattern.

"PLEASE PLACE HAND ON SCANNING PAD!" The device bellowed.

Uncoiling themselves, Rogue and Logan glanced at each other.

"It's just a minor glitch," he told her uncertainly.

"IDENTITY UNKNOWN," the machine announced suddenly. "SECURITY ACTIVATED. DIE, DIE, DIE!"

"What the hell?" Logan exclaimed.

BOOM

Logan and Rogue threw themselves to the floor as the gate exploded.

"Argh!" Kurt, who had been semi-conscious, woke up in the blink of an eye and rolled out of the way of the falling gate parts.

"PLEASE PLACE HAND ON SCANNING PAD," the device continued.

"Shit!" Logan cried as a missile came screaming from the institute grounds and locked onto him. He leaped to his feet and took off. "Fucking metal bones! Fucking metal detector!""

"Hey – wait!" Rogue called after him, on her stomach. She looked over her shoulder and grabbed Kurt's tail which had come free. "Get us outta here, blue boy!"

"Meep!" Kurt was trying to imitate an ostrich and buried his head in his hands, curling into a ball as explosions and galore rocketed and blew up around them. "Just put your hand on zuh pad and make it stop!"

Rogue threw Kurt's tail away and army-crawled towards the manic machine on the wall, which was vibrating every time it screamed "IDENTITY UNKNOWN, SECURITY ACTIVATED."

Taking her glove off, Rogue reached up and slammed her hand onto the green pad.

"PLEASE PLACE HAND … ON … SCANNING…." The voice became lower and slower. "PAADD….."

ZZTTTTTT

It short-circuited and the green glow disappeared. The battleground over the wall ceased.

Kurt lifted his head from his hands. "You killed it."

Rogue took her hand back and looked innocent. "Uh, it wasn't me."

"It fucking was!" Kurt answered.

"Elf!" Logan roared in the background, still fleeing the missile. He managed to fool it by jumping behind a tree in the neighboring wood, which exploded and shattered into splinters. Dusting himself off, Logan returned to the two.

"What the hell did you do?" He asked Rogue.

"Yeah, what the hell did you do?" Kurt echoed.

"Elf!"

"I just touched it!" Rogue exclaimed. "That's all!"

"The damn thing's broken," Logan stated, poking the device.

"Damn!" Kurt examined it too.

"Goddamnit, Elf, stop copying me – especially not around the Professor!"

"I didn't break th' device," Rogue argued.

"Well, whatever," Logan said, stepping back and admiring the wreck. "Yer solved our problems. Now let's get back inside." He put a hand on Rogue's shoulder.

"Identity unknown," Rogue suddenly droned. "Security activated!"

Logan didn't know what hit him next.

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Thanks all for reviewing ;) 


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